There is no doubt that many of us are not the same person we were when we met and then married our spouse. This can be particularly true if you have been married for quite some time. And this is because most of us mature and experience things that shape our personalities to take on a slightly different appearance. There is nothing wrong with this maturity because it generally means that we have grown and evolved. However, unfortunately, it can become a problem if our spouse feels that the changes mean that we have overcome them or that we are no longer compatible with them.
To show what I mean, you might hear a comment like: “When I met my husband, she was a naive young girl who rarely spoke to anyone unless they spoke to me first. She was tremendously shy, so I was natural to me. ” letting my husband take care of most of the things. My husband was very comfortable with this because he was much more assertive than I was. So for a while this worked really well for us. But when we got married, I took a job that allowed me to stay in the shadows. It fit me well back then. However, I have grown with the company over time. And now, I am in a managerial position with many responsibilities. I have to take on much more of a starting role. And at first I wasn’t entirely comfortable being so assertive, but after a while my personality evolved and now I am. As a result, I can handle almost everything on my own. My husband no longer needs to do much of the same for me. And obviously this bothers him because the other day, he came home and started thering phone numbers to call people to get quotes to update our house. I told him that I had already taken care of it. In truth, my assistant took care of most of it, but I didn’t see the need to tell him this. My husband got mad because I drove it. He told me that I’m not the person I used to be. He said that now I am pushy and too assertive and aggressive. He says he doesn’t like this new personality of mine. And then, as if insulting me wasn’t enough, he said he’s not sure he wants to be with someone who has a type A personality. He said if I was like this when he met me, he wouldn’t have dated me. He loves the shy, soft-spoken girl he met. He doesn’t care much about the confident woman I have become. I don’t want to lose my marriage. But I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. “I’ll try to offer some ideas on this in the next article.
It may not be that he doesn’t like the new you. You may not like how new it makes you feel: Honestly, this is a very common problem for couples who have been married for a while. People are rarely the same person you married. Some people will feel cheated by this. But if they were totally honest, they would have to admit that they have changed a bit too. No one is the same person they were several years ago. And this is not necessarily a bad thing.
What makes people more uncomfortable with this situation is the fact that changes in personalities sometimes cause a change in their marital roles as well. Usually, the way you relate to your spouse can define one of the ways you think about yourself. For example, the husband in this scenario had probably always felt like his wife’s protector and provider. This made him feel good about himself and secure in his role as a husband. He felt like she needed him. This is usually important for men. When you feel this role being taken away from you, it can make you feel less of a man.
See if there is a way to commit so that you can be yourself and he can see glimpses of his old self: Try not to take this personally. Because I doubt it’s true that he doesn’t like your personality anymore. It’s that the new independent you makes you feel like you no longer need it. This makes you feel insecure about your marriage. So, he tries to use reverse psychology with you and tells you that he is no longer sure that he wants the marriage. What he really means, however, is that he worries that you no longer want or need the marriage.
So how do you fix it? You really have to find out what is most important to him regarding his role in your marriage. If you absolutely need to feel like you’re lightening your burden by doing most of the work and negotiation when it comes to your home and your safety, then it wouldn’t hurt to let you handle those things, even if you are. fully capable of handling them yourself. And it doesn’t hurt to put this into words.
You could try something like, “Honey, I’m so sorry. I had a moment to spare and I thought handling this would save you the extra work. I didn’t mean to take over your work. From now on, you will leave things related to the house at your hands. I appreciate you taking care of these things. And it won’t happen again. Could we go through with this? “
Know that it may take a little time to cool down. But when he sees that you’re really putting in an effort, he’s likely to back off a bit. I know it might be tempting to point out where it has changed. But I don’t see any reason to make this worse. Common sense tells you that both have likely changed. But this usually won’t be a problem unless you force one or both of them to re-evaluate their roles, which can sometimes make people uncomfortable.