The first year of recovery from addiction is often cited as the most difficult period in recovery, not only because early recovery is very fragile and the likelihood of relapse is higher, but because relationships change in early recovery. Many marriages that survived decades of alcohol/drug addiction do not survive early recovery.
The alcoholic/addict is making big changes in the first year of recovery and family members still feel abandoned and unimportant. While the alcoholic/addict struggles to maintain sobriety, regroup with work and career goals, and regain a positive sense of self, the spouse or other family member is often still aching from past hurts. They watch the alcoholic focus on their own recovery and problems and wonder when they will devote some time and attention to the family.
Family members who have taken over as the addict has given up more and more responsibilities within the family may now be waiting for the recovering addict to take those responsibilities back. Once they have stopped drinking/using, family members expect the addict to be the person they always wanted them to be. Family members may not even know they have this expectation and are often confused by their anger at the addict for not changing fast enough, working on a good enough program, or not accepting enough responsibilities.
Family members may also have a hidden expectation that the recovering addict will be able to say or do something that will take away all the pain caused by the addiction. They think that when the addict “makes it up the right way” by grieving enough, or really understanding how the family member feels, the pain will go away.
Although family members harbor these hidden expectations, they are afraid to discuss them with the person in recovery. They fear that such a discussion may cause the addict to relapse. Fear is often rooted in memories of past behaviors and arguments.
Sometimes when they try to talk about problems, the addict becomes defensive and wants to put the past in the past, and not dwell on old hurts and anger. The addict often does not want to hear about the pain of family members caused by her addiction because it hurts him to hear it. The addict often carries a great deal of shame and guilt for having the addiction, for the things he did in the addiction, especially the misdeeds involving his loved ones. They still have denial and defenses that have prevented the full extent of the pain caused by the addiction from being fully revealed to them.
Alcoholics/addicts often have skill deficiencies that prevent them from communicating and solving problems effectively, or even identifying and managing feelings. Recovering couples often have trouble solving major issues because they operate from this position of skill deficits and from a history of failed attempts. These failed attempts create more emotional debris to get in the way and make it more difficult the next time you try to solve the same problem. As a result, the recovering couple is often trying to work out old relationship problems that they have been unable to resolve. They may also be fighting over power shifts in the relationship, which can make resolution even more difficult.
Amid all the changes that occur in early recovery, relationships and families seek to regain some balance or balance. Recovering couples and families strive to redefine relationships, to restore old roles, responsibilities, and power in the relationship(s). Sometimes it is not so simple or easy for the family member who has taken on all the roles and responsibilities of the addict to pay them back. The addict trying to regain her roles and responsibilities may be experienced as a threat to the family member.
The recovering addict may continue to act irresponsibly, continue to lie, or continue to be completely self-absorbed and narcissistic. The person in recovery may, based on the perception of the family member, care little about the needs or feelings of others. The person in recovery may want to be rewarded for the extreme sacrifice of giving up the chemical. Family members strive to understand this line of thinking, hoping to watch and wait for the person in recovery to take the initiative and take care of business, without being asked, bribed, or rewarded for doing so. Therefore, the family often has different expectations for the recovering addict than for the addict. Often when this happens, the addict still feels controlled. Family members still feel taken for granted, taken advantage of, and often manipulated.
The recovering addict may also be making new friends and relationships and this can also be a threat. The addict may not be as dependent as they were in active addiction. As they return to their previous level of functioning (or even higher), they may exceed the level of functioning of the family member.
Another relationship-threatening factor in early recovery is the extreme emotional ups and downs that the addict experiences. Trying to figure out what’s going on with all this emotion and how they ended up where they are, the addict often questions her feelings about the marriage, whether he loves his spouse, or even if he ever loved her spouse. . Early recovering addicts often think about or actually act on leaving their spouse.
The non-addicted family member often experiences a similar reaction, trying to figure out if there is anything left that they have in common, or if too much damage has been done to the relationship. Family members may even feel that now that the addict is clean and can take care of himself, they are free to quit. Or family members may be overwhelmed by the fear of a relapse and think they will never stay clean and sober.
Other stressors for a newly recovering marriage could include the unrepaired damage of illness, including legal troubles, financial problems, career and work issues, unresolved anger and resentment between the in-laws; all of these need repair or resolution at a time when couples are often less equipped to resolve them. Very often the recovering addict and family member have an expectation that when the use ends, everything will fall back into place. In most circumstances, nothing could be further from the truth. Being armed with knowledge about the typical difficulties of marriage in early recovery empowers a couple to begin to problem-solve and overcome those difficulties. Marriages strengthened by the recovery of members can ultimately be among the healthiest, happiest, and most secure marriages. But first, they have to get past early recovery.