What a damn year this has been! We have all been beaten up and thrown like a piece of driftwood into a tumultuous sea of chaos, confusion and uncertainty. It is a fact! Some of us have gotten out more spread out than others, but it has been horribly hard in some way for each of us!
Depression and anxiety are a daily experience for many, and alcohol use is at an all-time high. Suicide rates are through the roof and school-age children are experiencing spontaneous crying due to the heavy and unidentifiable emotions they are experiencing.
As we all “keep swimming” throughout life at the end of this year, the other day I went out to run some errands, just to get out of my mind and my house. It was an emotionally hard day for me and it took everything I had to keep the tears from coming out like a dripping faucet.
During one of the stops I made, the receptionist asked me how I was doing. My response, with a fake smile behind my mask, was, “I’m fine!”
I knew it wasn’t the truth, and I probably probably would have called my BS if he had known me better. Regardless, I ran the rest of my errands quite anxious to get back to the safe place I call home. All I wanted to do was bury myself under a blanket and put on some Netflix to distract myself from the intense excitement. I’m pretty sure I went to bed at 7:30 pm that night just to end the day.
The next morning I woke up and the brief interaction with the store clerk came to mind. I thought to myself, “No, Tracy, you’re not okay and why would you say you are?”
While I know that no one wants kids to hear a sad story, it certainly could have been a bit more honest and vulnerable.
I then continued to reflect on what that conversation would have looked like on my part if I had been 100% honest with that man and, more importantly, with myself.
Excuse the spiel but there is a message in all of this. In fact, I felt 100% better after my little fuss. It was about honoring and acknowledging parts of myself that needed to be heard.
It would have been a bit like that …
Store Clerk: How are you today?
Honest Tracy: I’m NOT good, this year has sucked. It has been the worst year of my life. Things have been brutal, confusing and devastating. I have never been as defeated as this last year. Everything has collapsed and I have never felt so alone and isolated from the world.
My main business in International Education came to a standstill and I had no idea where the future income would come from. My kids and I have been through depression and I could barely keep my head above the water to take care of them.
My entire belief system about who I was and the world around me collapsed. I had to face some dark sides of myself and deal with so many changes that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like it didn’t matter.
Important relationships of mine fell apart and left me feeling more alone than before. I have 3 children who depend on me and I can’t even tell them what they want to hear. I have no family living near me and I have no one to count on.
It has been a shitty show of a year and everything I once knew in my life has changed. There is no longer a sense of normalcy, predictability or coherence and I feel like it will never end. I feel desperate and helpless and I just want to disappear! This is how I am! Not well! Not good at all!
(applause from higher beings)
Now please don’t think this is the victim attitude that I carry in life because I am very optimistic and grateful. My point in sending this message is that I really felt a lot of relief when I was honest.
While I didn’t leave all of this to a stranger, I did take the time to share my vulnerability and rawness with myself. I gave myself permission to talk about how horrible the past year was and the impact it has had on me.
I know most of you are like me and want to stay positive and hopeful, however it is important to assess the impact all of this has (COVID, BLM, riots, fear, fires, elections, empty grocery store ). bookshelves, lost jobs, quarantines, deaths, broken relationships, loneliness, drama, conflict) and anything else has impacted your life in some way.
So, as a self-love mentor, I give you permission to be honest, crude, and vulnerable with yourself. This year sucked! This year has been tough! And this year has been like no other that we have gone through or what we want to go through again!
So take five minutes, open a blank WORD document or take out a sheet of paper and a pen and start downloading. Have your own fuss about what happened. And you don’t even have to limit it to 2020. You can add some old stuff if you’ve needed it for 10, 20, or even 40 years.
Let it flow and if emotions come too, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. This is a healing exercise that each and every one of us needs at this time. It makes you sad, angry, frustrated … but most importantly, be HONEST! You owe it to yourself.
Encourage those around you to do the same. If you have children, let them share by writing, talking, or drawing a picture. Let the energy move.
We have all witnessed a “natural disaster” and we can process what we have been through and assess the damage. Take the time to honor yourself and your feelings. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but there is pain when you remove the splinter that has been oozing under your skin for a long time.
You are worth it! You have this and you are stronger than you think.
I send a lot of love and encouragement to each of you and please let me know how I can support you in some way! You’ll get over this, this will end, and everything will be fine.