I recently received a very detailed email from a wife saying that she and her husband had gone through a rough patch in their marriage and that she was not sure if the marriage would survive. She wanted to be closer to her husband and have long talks and conversations in an attempt to figure things out. The husband rejected this, telling her that “he just needed time alone to clear his mind.”
This request terrified the wife. She suspected that if he left home and spent some time away from her, he would never return. He wanted some advice on how to stop him or convince him not to want to go this time. Her inclination had been to follow him and try to convince him to stay. So far, these efforts had been unsuccessful and seemed to upset the husband and make him more anxious to leave.
That is why he was convinced that the wife should move with the traffic rather than against it. I will explain what I mean by that in the next article.
Why giving a husband time to sort out his feelings is not always the worst option: Most women will assume that giving it the time it asks for is like admitting defeat. It really doesn’t have to be. It can be as much a part of your strategy right now as anything else. (And frankly, it often works much better than other strategies that are tempting but discouraged.)
There are several reasons for this, but one of the most important is that often the more you push it, the further it will move away from you. The more you follow him and try to convince him that he shouldn’t or can’t leave, the more likely he will want to do just that. Being calm and deliberate will be much more effective than arguing and despairing. Always remember that your actions greatly affect your perceptions and your perceptions are what you will generally base your actions and decisions on.
How to minimize the risk of not coming back once you have time: It’s understandable that giving your space feels like a scary risk. It is natural to worry that you are enjoying your free time, finding it preferable, and not wanting to return. If you haven’t already done so, you can offer a space for you to be the one to leave (instead of him leaving). This allows you to have a little more control and more access to it. (Make sure you are calm and serious when offering this.)
If this strategy doesn’t work, your next should be to monitor their perceptions of you just before and during their absence. You want her to have positive reactions when she thinks of you. Many women will try to play hard now. They will tell him that if he is so determined to go, then he should go, but you are not sure if you will welcome him with open arms. This strategy only generates negative feelings and perceptions at a time when you really need positive feelings.
The best way to handle it is to tell him that while you wish there was another way, you can see that you really feel like you need to do this. Tell him that you want him to be happy and that if time and space will help him achieve this, that is exactly what it will provide. Be supportive. Be calm. But make sure you appear confident and capable. You don’t want to give the impression that you’re going to collapse and break the moment he walks out the door. In fact, you want him to wonder how you are going to spend your time. If you are so reluctant to allow this request, he will assume that you will feel miserable and shaky. This is not the impression you want to give.
It’s okay to make it clear that you’re not going anywhere, but at the same time, you don’t want him to think that you have no other way to occupy your time. You have friends. Do you have family. And it is vital that you do what supports you and makes you happy right now. You will appear much more attractive to him if you behave with respect for yourself. They should not think that you are waiting by the phone or sitting by the door. Sure, he likely knows that you want him at home, but he should also know that this is because you want him to be happy and make genuine decisions rather than the fact that you can’t or won’t be without him.
Often times, it is when you freely offer (and with respect for yourself) this time that you will appear more self-reliant and attractive. Once you are ready to go home, you can work to find out what problems are causing you to be away from home. But this should be delayed until both of you are in tune with the direction of the relationship.