Imagine this: you meet a friend for coffee. You want to tell him how romantic your vacation was. But you find your friend checking her messages and adjusting her makeup. You get angry? What did you think of your friend?
Now think about last week. When her son was speaking, what did he do? Fold the clothes? Do you see desperate housewives? Well, what did your son think of you?
Parents often listen, but they don’t always listen. If you listen, are you listening with your five senses? Do you touch, feel, listen, see and savor the conversation, the essence of what the child tells you and doesn’t tell you?
Children are not considered small. They are little people with independent thoughts and opinions. Even a newborn is aware of his hunger and when he needs to change his diaper. He may not be able to communicate in a spoken language, but he knows what he wants. He learns to get your attention by whining, crying, and pulling at you. If you listen with your five senses, you will learn to anticipate their needs and respond better. When you listen with your eyes and ears, you will learn to tell the difference between “I’m bored” and “I’m sleepy.”
Like a toddler, your child is discovering the world. Everything is new to him and he wants to share the experience with you. After all, you are the most important person for him. As a toddler going to preschool, his son understands right and wrong, he has his own preferences, and he has a big world to adjust and learn from. When he tries to share your fears, successes, failures, and thoughts about him, don’t brush it off because he’s insignificant to you.
When your child is growing up, his vocabulary is not as large as yours. He may not be able to tell exactly what he feels. He can’t put a label on his feelings. He feels good when he is praised. He gets embarrassed if he falls in front of his friends. But he doesn’t know the words “Proud” or “Embarrassed.” So he is happy or unhappy. He or he loves or hates.
If he’s mad at his dad, he might say, “I hate dad.” What would you do if you were aware of such a statement? You could join in and talk bad about dad. Or, alternatively, he can talk to the little boy about him and find out why he thinks that way. Dig deeper, ask questions, and most importantly, wait for the answer. Don’t jump in with hints, recommendations and advice. When your child comes home from school, sit down with him and ask him what happened. Help him label the experiences. Differentiate proud/happy/funny/sad/shy/anger/hate. You will communicate better if you know how to identify them.
The most important side effect of listening to your child is that it creates a listener in him. He will listen to you when you speak, because you have shown him how. He will be patient when you explain things to him.
Why is it important to listen to young children?
A) It makes your child feel wanted and loved. She makes him feel like an important part of the family.
B) Encourages discussion and establishes a positive way of handling conflicts.
C) Build a relationship based on trust and understanding.
D) A child feels comfortable talking with his parents about his feelings and problems.
E) Create a circle of positive listening. Your older child will practice listening with a younger child and his friends.
What are the dangers of not listening?
A) A child feels that his feelings and opinions do not matter in the family. Then he will not respect the opinion of others.
B) A child will feel isolated and insecure and will become less communicative.
C) He will speak in another place and that could be dangerous.
D) If you don’t practice listening from an early age, you can’t suddenly start getting results during the difficult teenage years.
E) While some children become reserved, others may become angry and throw tantrums to be heard.
How do you listen effectively?
a) Look into each other’s eyes and, if possible, hold hands or sit next to each other.
b) Do not interrupt if the child has trouble expressing himself. Give him the time and space to articulate.
c) Repeat what you said in your own words. Ask the child if he has understood his thoughts correctly. Listen to understand, not to appease.
d) If you are discussing a problem, let the child find a solution. If a solution cannot be reached on the spot, agree to come back to the conversation the next day. Do not offer ready-made solutions.
e) Do not give advice unless specifically asked. Even then, be brief and to the point. Remember that you are here to listen, not to talk.
f) Do not dismiss the child’s feelings as ridiculous, silly or unimportant. In his world, that might be the hardest bridge to cross.
Here are some tips to create happy and effective listening.
a) Talk to your child at a specific time every day. It could be during dinner or bedtime. You might do this while doing a simple task like setting the table or going for a walk. Never talk while the TV is on, while your child is doing homework or playing with her friends.
b) Encourage the child to listen to you too. Let him take time every day or once a week to listen to you.
c) Do not wait for a child to throw tantrums before addressing his problem.
d) Listen to his body language: sloping shoulders, pushing food on the plate, watching TV without interest – a problem is brewing there. Don’t let it boil.
e) If a child comes to you with his problem, he is being brave. He needs help and he’s asking for it. Whether he has a scraped knee or a bullying sister, he’s asking for help. Don’t brush him off with “go away and don’t fight with your sister.” Take him by the hand, give him a hug and listen to him. Give him your full attention.
f) Children are smart enough to understand when you are stalling or lying. They can read body language even as young children. So don’t promise anything you can’t keep, don’t say things you don’t feel. If a child expresses anger at not receiving a new toy, don’t promise one during listening time unless he is sure he will buy it. Because if the promises made during the listening time are broken, then trust is lost and the benefits of listening will be lost for the child. No politics during listening time.
What good is a family if they can’t cry together, laugh together, and share a moment of content silence? It is easy to speak, difficult to listen with the five senses. As they say, speech is silver, silence is gold. Give the gift of listening to your child today and become their friend and soul mate.
The most valuable gift you can give your child is to hear the big and small things in his life. Start early so the lines of communication are open throughout the teen years. -Kimberly Keith
Talking to your child is only half the job. You can keep the lines of communication open by knowing how to listen and when to speak. – National Anti-Drug Youth Campaign in the Media
He thinks that many of our problems are due to people not listening to our children. It’s not always easy. They are not always bright enough to want to spend hours with them. But it is very important to listen to them. -Barbara Bush
listen carefully to anything [your children] I want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t enthusiastically listen to the little things when they’re little, they won’t tell you the big things when they’re big, because everything has always been big to them. But unless they’re talking to you, stay out of it. Indiscriminate eavesdropping is a threat to the sanity of parents. -Catherine M. Wallace
Don’t feel like you have to advise or help your child find a solution all the time. The value of listening is in the listening itself. -Kimberly Keith
The words that a father speaks to his children in the privacy of the home are not heard by the world, but, as in whispering galleries, they are clearly heard in the end, and by posterity. -Ricther