Out of love and concern for my many female friends, I wonder what it is about buying for a man who is so complicated. Most of the women I know are competent shoppers, experts if you will in the art of tracking down and buying exactly what they want, no matter what the item. So why doesn’t this talent and experience flow into the task of buying a man?
I blame it on what I call “the heart factor.” We are all familiar with that. It’s that feeling that comes over us when a handsome guy looks into our eyes from across the room. Our heart races as moisture accumulates in the palms of our hands, setting in motion the butterflies that begin to flutter in the pit of our stomachs. I had the exact same symptoms last fall when I saw a brown leather Louis Vuitton bag at the mall. Upon closer inspection of the bag, I realized that it was not for me. It just didn’t meet all the needs I expected from the perfect tote bag. I kept my emotions out of it and returned the bag. So why do we settle for less when choosing a partner? Perhaps we should approach it more like a shopping expedition.
Step One – The Heart Factor
You are at a party and a cute guy starts making small talk. Take this opportunity to evaluate the merchandise. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not comparing men to objects, but I think for women, taking this approach helps keep your heart in check. If you think of this as a shopping trip and the guy as a new winter jacket, the heart factor may lag a bit.
Back to the party. Do you like what you have seen so far? I think it’s important for both men and women to have a good sense of what they want in a partner, a mental checklist if you will. The list can be divided into 4 broad but simple categories:
1. Physical
2.Personality
3. Ideals, Opinions and Values
4. Baggage
On your first meeting with someone, you can usually tick off a few likes or dislikes from at least the first two categories.
Now remember that at this stage you need to ignore all of the symptoms that we just talked about, as well as any images you’ve conjured up about walking down the aisle with this guy. Be in the present moment. Pay no attention to your heart and listen only to your head. Do you meet any of the requirements on your checklist? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? If they do, continue reading to Step Two, if not repeat Step One as many times as necessary.
Step two: head still in the game
In Step Two, you’ll need to spend quality time together to determine if your new man is really what you’ve been waiting for. Please continue to refer back to your list, this will help you move forward in a positive way. Just remember, you’re still at the mall looking for the perfect winter coat. There’s no rush, it’s the beginning of autumn, the winter clothes have just arrived at your favorite stores and the sales haven’t started yet.
This is a critical stage for most women. When we search for something we really want, we usually settle for less, especially if we’ve been searching for a while. Keep your head in the game, remember what’s important to you and how buying a coat that doesn’t fit can be devastating.
Now you have been on several dates with your man. Some cons may have been added to your checklist, but hopefully a lot of pros have been added. Make sure you’re still in at least the 60% range, which means more Likes than Dislikes. If a lot of dislike shows up and you slip below the 60% mark, you need to make smart decisions. I’m all for a work-in-progress kind of project, but we’re talking about the early stages of a relationship that’s already in the red. At this point, you should seriously consider going back to the party and repeating Step One with someone new. Never consider this a failure. It is always a learning experience, the most important thing is that you have learned a lot about yourself. You also have a better understanding of what you want and need in a relationship and what kind of person can help you meet those needs.
Step Three: Red Flags or Red Roses
Step Three is what I call the fork in the road stage of a relationship. It is no longer considered a new relationship as several months have passed. Both have met each other’s friends and have probably been intimate. This is the stage where we loosen up and behave more like who we really are rather than the dating version of ourselves. You know, the “polite, always wear makeup, no nail biting, no losing your temper, no showing road rage or overeating in front of our new boyfriend” type. You are not alone, he is doing the same.
Remember, in Step Three the return policy for your merchandise is still valid. The perfect winter coat that you spent months looking for and didn’t go on sale has started to show premature signs of wear along the seams. This is a red flag. I can’t think of a woman I know who wouldn’t be totally outraged. You would walk back to the store and demand a refund.
Please keep that in mind! Let’s say your man is close to everything you’ve been looking for. He is physically attractive, he has a great personality, he votes for the Green Party and he has no more baggage than you. He gets better, your friends like him and so does your dog.
Now here is the proof. You were having dinner at a friend’s house and he had one too many beer. They both decide that they should drive their car back to their house for the night. On her way to the underground parking lot she drives too close to the curb and scrapes her tires on the concrete. Before you can even apologize, he’s yelling at you, dressing you up, and calling you names. This is a huge red flag! At this exact moment, the only thing that should be going through your mind is “how fast can I get a cab here to pick up this guy?”.
The reality is that at this stage of the relationship most women feel that the investment is too great. You see it as another failure and quickly ask yourself the usual questions: Isn’t a bad relationship better than no relationship? What will my friends think? Is that four months down the drain? So you think that if you can calm him down and get him to your apartment, everything will be fine. But everything is far from fine.
Ladies, think about the respect you demand from your girlfriends. We all know how hard we can be on each other. Next, think about what you would expect from your new winter coat. If it doesn’t hold up after a few months I’d be looking for another. Perhaps we should demand the same when choosing a partner.
Copyright Nancy L. Sell