I dare say that there are quite a few of us who are confined to our homes with someone we do not like or with whom we are no longer in love. This could be because they have had an affair or because something has changed and they are not the person we met and fell in love with. Or over time there may be a slow erosion of feelings and we finally decide it’s over, but COVID-19 means it’s impossible to issue divorce papers. We can’t move, so we’re forced to spend lockdown together.
Whether we are married or in a relationship, have children, joint financial commitments like a home, or shared business interests, separation is a complex process, even without the impact of COVID-19. The thought of being isolated for an indeterminate period of time, not knowing how long it will last, is a daunting prospect, especially when we’re spending lockdown with someone we want to divorce!
Many people are already experiencing a range of emotions throughout this time, and these emotions are very different for each of us. Some people enjoy the enforced rest and take the time to reassess their priorities, be at home, maybe pursue their hobbies, read, garden, play with their children. Others have serious anxieties and concerns about their health, work, business security, the financial impact, the loss of their freedom, and the future implications of this crisis.
Add relationship concerns to the mix and it can make for a very stressful time. So, are there positive ways to manage confinement expenses with someone you want to divorce?
– Remember that you already have many skills to face impossible situations. No doubt she has had several experiences when presented with a fait accompli, a fixed set of circumstances difficult to navigate. As an adult, he will know that there are some things that he has no choice but to accept and work out, others that he can negotiate a little with. Breathe. If you can’t change something, there’s no point in stressing about it. Let it go and focus on making the best of what you can do.
– Be civilized and polite with others. It’s a good start when you’re spending lockdown together. Talk about your meals, what you want to eat, what TV shows you’d like to watch, when to spend time together or apart. Could you browse your music catalog, old photos, vacation memories, raid the game closet, share chores?
– Gratitude is an important reflex when you’re locked up Appreciating your shared history, how far you’ve come, the personal development that has occurred as a result of your relationship. You may have grown up together or have survived various difficult times. Being grateful can reconnect you with your roots and core values, reminding you of what was important before life, ambition, and success got in the way.
– Let yourself laugh together. Perhaps kitchen mishaps or clumsy DIY attempts could be a source of amusement. Affective humor is a positive way to manage stress and maintain a more light-hearted approach when spending lockdown together.
– If there are children at home, agree to make the atmosphere pleasant for them. She may want a divorce, but they are both still her parents. COVID-19 is confusing enough for kids, there’s no need to over-complicate things. Take turns and alternate lesson time so that you give yourself some space for personal time.
– Don’t think too much about bedtime. Whether you sleep together or apart, are intimate or not, these are unprecedented times. If you decide to be intimate, please accept that these are exceptional circumstances and, as long as you are both consenting adults, it might be an acceptable temporary arrangement.
– Appreciate that lockdown could provide a good time to talk. They may not have had a chance to share, discuss, listen to each other in purposeless conversation for many years, if ever. Listen correctly to what others have to say without intervening with your thoughts, comments, or challenges to their versions of events. You may not agree with what he has to say, but if that’s how he feels, you have to accept it and use it as a starting point to talk.
Maybe you agree to some ground rules when talking about serious topics. Avoid going around in circles, repeating tired examples, or placing blame. Focus on how you both feel, what you each want from your lives, how you would like your relationship to work from now on, especially if there are children or mutual responsibilities involved.
– Many of us are finding that we are becoming more patient and tolerant. for being locked up. Our priorities have been forced to change. What was once sought after or prized is now less so when we realize that expensive cars, designer items, fabulous vacations, and celebrity status matter little when we are barely allowed to go out to buy food, socialize, or see our beloved ones.
– This change of pace could be a time for true honesty. in your relationship, to learn and understand each other better, to remove the usual stress and distractions and maybe rediscover the person you fell in love with before life got in your way. For some of us, it can even provide an opportunity to see attractive qualities in each other that we haven’t seen before or to reconnect and appreciate just how special our relationship could be once again.
If we are prepared to put in the effort and work with our relationship, we may even wonder if we still want that divorce. But if you decide to go through with the divorce, hopefully this time together has helped ease the process into being more amicable and respectful. After all, you loved each other once.