Being consistent when the kids aren’t perfect can make you feel bad. However, consistency is one of the most important elements in your relationship with your children, but it is the one that is most often overlooked.
Consistency means dealing with the little bad behaviors and not letting them turn into bigger behaviors. It means saying no to children’s constant requests for five more minutes of television at night or a third helping of ice cream. It means complying and allowing children to experience a consequence when they misbehave every time. It doesn’t mean that if the kids come home after dark from a friend’s house, you sometimes punish them, but other times you just express your disapproval. That kind of inconsistency makes you responsible for children’s misbehavior and teaches them nothing about responsibility.
Consistency also means that both parents have a similar approach to behaviors. If mom is too strict and dad is too lenient, the kids will know who to turn to if they want to take advantage. Soon they will pit one of the parents against each other. If a kid wants to go without doing a job or stay an extra hour at a friend’s house, just ask dad because he’s easy to get along with. Even if you’re apart, talk about your approaches to the discipline and find common ground. Agree on things like family rules, pocket money and dating guidelines, and appropriate consequences for bad behavior.
If you disagree with a partner’s approach, do it behind closed doors. When unplanned situations occur, don’t be afraid to tell your children that they should consult with their partner before making a decision. Children will realize that you are working as a team and that you are considering their behavior or request.
Consistency, like routines, are often sacrificed by busy working parents and placed in the ‘too hard basket’. When we’re tired, stretched out, and overworked, the last thing we want to do is engage in a battle with the kids over what are sometimes petty problems. You may have spent all day dealing with difficult clients or colleagues only to come home to find you have another battle on your hands with equally belligerent children. So, to avoid an argument, a tantrum, or tears, give in to your child’s rebellious behavior or unreasonable request.
But giving in rather than being consistent and standing your ground is a smart long-term strategy. Children quickly learn how far they can push their parents before they give up. If you give in once in a while, they’ll learn that if they push you hard enough and long enough, you’ll give in. So consistency is all about being strong and standing your ground. That’s hard work because the average child will push the parent’s limits about 30 percent of the time, and the most difficult children will push their limits twice as much. It’s hard work to be consistent, but good parenting demands it.
A comprehensive strategy to help you effectively manage children’s behavior is available in Michael Grose’s landmark book for parents: One Step Ahead. It is available in the shop at http://www.parentingideas.com.au.